I just learned that I am an ancient lizard, laser-beam yielding, fire-starter
Dear Q-Anon or Q-adjacent friends or acquaintances, or people I’ll never meet but who still believe this bunk:
What. The. Fuck.
Now that Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene has set me straight, my life makes a lot more sense to me. Discovering that I’ve been advancing the goals of a global cabal without even knowing it has brought me new inner-wisdom.
While plotting world domination and doing 20 tongue flicks will be hard morning routines to kick, I plan to create more space for reflection. This confession is just my first step along the path toward human ascension.
Habit change research and mindfulness say that the best way to change is to name our negative thoughts, compassionately reflect on their origin, and then reframe how we see ourselves so we can plot a healthier course.
In the spirit of lizard conversion therapy, here’s what I’ve been learning about myself. I can’t help but wonder what a conspiritual lightworker like the above whacko might say to help me along.
(And, in case that wasn’t clear enough, I hope EVERYONE and ANYONE who reads this knows it’s satire, cause I can’t stomach you believing otherwise.)
Confessions of a lizard who grew up as a Jewish girl
My elementary school classmates — who told me I had “N****r hair” and taped pennies in my yearbook to remind me of what a penny-pinching, Jewfro-bearing, despicable girl I was - were clearly just defending themselves. They knew about the Rothschildean wealth my parents were hiding, whereas I had the ignorant audacity to just want to be liked.
I’m still waiting to cash in but now they’re dead. It’s gotta be out there somewhere, right? Maybe buried in a JNF forest somewhere in Israel? Or — maybe it won’t be available until Soros dies too?
This all explains so much.
That’s why when I was six years old, my best friend forced me to invite Jesus into my heart at her youth meeting and then told me my parents were doomed unless they did the same. It wasn’t that she thought Jews were spiritually lesser and patronizingly wanted to help me. Obviously, she just wanted to help exorcise my inner-lizard Jew!
Plus, there were those annual, front-of-the-class public school explanations of why my family didn’t celebrate the birth of Christ.
I thought they were a humiliating attempt at multiculturalism, but now I see it was a covert 12-step meeting. Public school tried to help me confess my sins, but it wasn’t enough. Guess what happened next?
Shady humanitarian work, in Bosnia no less
In my humanitarian 20’s, I went off to Bosnia. There I learned the local language, had a serious relationship with a Muslim man, consoled friends who shared the trauma of living through the Sarajevo siege and ethnic-cleansing, and registered Srebrenica survivors to vote.
I didn’t know it then but this was obviously my part in the effort to replace white people in Europe. Nevermind that we were all also white and that whiteness is a construct.
I mean, we all know who non-whites really are, don’t we? Non-Christians of course. Hmmm, what about the Croats I worked with, being Catholic? I guess that might be a grey area?
The fact that both Muslims and Croats, but especially Muslims, were slaughtered by the more dominant, and militarily equipped Serbs, who were also Christians, is just a complicated detail.
All these guys were non-Americans anyway, and let’s not belabor the 90’s, shall we? I’m a history professor’s daughter, but why focus on history when I have New Age conspiracists to guide my inner-light?
Proof of my intellectual Jewish lizardess
Plus, Pop taught Jewish and black history. It doesn’t matter that he also suffered malnutrition due to poverty as a child, served in World War Two, and was grateful to reach tenure at a state college despite never achieving his Ph.D. due to health issues.
Clearly, his profession of history was reptilian at best. I kind of thought that with his Ukrainian-Polish-Russian heritage he looked more phenotypically Caucasian with a broad, simian-like face. A little like George W. Bush, if he were a hairy New York Jew. But, ok, we’re lizards. It’s good to know.
Could his random similarity to Dubya be a clue? Was my father intended for the great replacement? Maybe I’m the only one who knows. Is this like the tradition of some Anusi (Crypto) Jews, where out of fear for my safety, he wouldn’t have told me our deep, dark secret unless I asked?
In thinking about scapegoating and antisemitism, like Shylock in the Merchant of Venice, I’ve always thought Jews are human too, just sometimes more so. It’s just that in the minds of some, we bear the weight of original sin more than others.
I was wrong. We’re not human at all!
I’m still investigating whether amygdala retraining might help, so stay tuned on that one. Meanwhile, though, I must disinfect the boil of my inner-but-ancient, reptile self — all that high falutin’ yet crude, dumbass New York intellectualism, by retracing my steps.
Here’s the irrefutable proof of my lizardness:
- Being born Jewish with curly hair and standing out at school. I mean, there was an Italian girl with the same kind of hair, but she wasn’t Jewish, so, she was probably human.
- Having Jewish parents, who did Jewish things. At a state college, no less, so nefarious.
- Working with non-American Christians, Catholics (Christian questionable), and Muslims in the Balkans. Don’t get me started.
My lizard puzzle has infinite pieces
That’s all really just the precursor to me now. In my 50’s, I’m living in Mexico with a, (can you believe it?), Mexican husband and child. I’ve gone full-blown reptile.
In the spirit of full confession, here are some other life-long sins.
Returning from Bosnia to New York where for a decade I represented the Jewish community at the UN on concerns related to universal human rights and humanitarian affairs.
Now, I never did actually see a black helicopter but I’m pretty sure I just didn’t look hard enough. Lizard-Jews weren’t always welcome up on the roof, you know?
Along the way, I also advocated for labor rights, sustainable energy policy, and mothers’ lactation support. I’m not sure how those things contribute to world domination, but I will keep doing my Internet research.
The list goes on and on. I haven’t yet gotten to the laser-beam fire-starting, ancient nature of my being, or outer space.
There’s so much about me to discover. Being a lizard and all, it’s hard to do this all on my own.
I just learned that I am an ancient lizard, laser-beam yielding, fire-starter. Is there a self-help book for that?
Maybe I should ask the Federalist Society?
Anyway, love and light, you antisemitic mother*****rs,
Ps. If anyone wants to join my new self-help society for lizard-Jews, please let me know. I think we can do some really nice, niche health coaching around it.
Maybe we’ll even have a guest session with JP Sears. Of course, that all depends on finding those Rothschild funds. Wish me luck!