I just learned that I am an ancient lizard, laser-beam yielding, fire-starter

Is there a self-help book for that?

I had no idea that I had two faces! Thanks to: David Clode, Unsplash.

Dear Q-Anon or Q-adjacent friends or acquaintances, or people I’ll never meet but who still believe this bunk:

What. The. Fuck.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling like myself. And I finally know why. You would suffer from chronic fatigue too if you were busy repressing your inner-lizard Jew.

Now that Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene has set me straight, my life makes a lot more sense to me. Discovering that I’ve been advancing the goals of a global cabal without even knowing it has brought me new inner-wisdom.

While plotting world domination and doing 20 tongue flicks will be hard morning routines to kick, I plan to create more space for reflection. This confession is just my first step along the path toward human ascension.

Habit change research and mindfulness say that the best way to change is to name our negative thoughts, compassionately reflect on their origin, and then reframe how we see ourselves so we can plot a healthier course.

In the spirit of lizard conversion therapy, here’s what I’ve been learning about myself. I can’t help but wonder what a conspiritual lightworker like the above whacko might say to help me along.

(And, in case that wasn’t clear enough, I hope EVERYONE and ANYONE who reads this knows it’s satire, cause I can’t stomach you believing otherwise.)

Thanks to: capnsnap, Unsplash

Confessions of a lizard who grew up as a Jewish girl

My elementary school classmates — who told me I had “N****r hair” and taped pennies in my yearbook to remind me of what a penny-pinching, Jewfro-bearing, despicable girl I was - were clearly just defending themselves. They knew about the Rothschildean wealth my parents were hiding, whereas I had the ignorant audacity to just want to be liked.

I’m still waiting to cash in but now they’re dead. It’s gotta be out there somewhere, right? Maybe buried in…